Distasteful Funnies Stories

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True and Fun Facts About Sex

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Sexual Knowledge

The Ibo tribe of Nigeria had three punishments for adulterous couples, each increasingly ghastly. The least harsh involved tying the couple up, putting a stake through the man into the woman, and carrying them off to a pool filled with loathsome reptiles.

Queen Anne had a transvestite cousin, Lord Cornbury, whom she assigned to be governor of New York and New Jersey. The colonists were not amused.

In 1964, a jury awarded $50,000 to a woman who claimed a cable car accident in San Francisco had made her into a nymphomaniac.

One expert says that in New Guinea, women are only attracted to men who have an ampalang.

The young males of Sambia in New Guinea must perform a ritualized homosexual act with tribe elders until they reach adulthood. When they get older, they have sex with women, during which they hold their noses with clothespin like devices.

A favorite hangout for prostitutes in 17th century London was St. John's Park. Even though the gates were locked at 10 p.m., 6,500 people had authorized keys (many unauthorized keys were also in circulation. At the time, London had about 50,000 prostitutes.

Some Romanian villagers sing a song that accompanies a traditional goat dance. The lyrics to the song are so sexually suggestive that Cable News Network refuses to translate them.

According to Blitz Magazine in Bombay, India, 28 year old Nagaba Jugalgiri pulled a car with his penis in front of Mahalakshmi Temple in protest of India's 1989 oil crisis.

Kellogg's Corn Flakes were invented by a Dr. Kellogg in hopes that they would reduce masturbation.

In 1746, a special hospital for the treatment of venereal diseases known as a "lock hospital" was opened on Harrow Road in London. In medieval times, lock hospitals only housed lepers.

According The Solitary Vice, a book for doctors that came out in the 1890s, women who masturbate tend to eat a lot of foods containing mustard and vinegar.

Cleopatra had stones inserted in her vagina to prevent her from getting pregnant.

One punishment for an adulterous wife in medieval France was to make her chase a chicken through town naked.

Simone de Beauvoir had her first orgasm thanks to Nelson Algren.

As late as 1940, a candidate for the U.S. Naval Academy was rejected if it was discovered that he masturbated.

According to a couple of recent biographies, Lord Baden-Powell, founder of the Boy Scouts, was a repressed homosexual who was obsessed with looking at photos of naked young boys.

An American urologist once bought Napoleon's penis for $40,000.

Women were discouraged from having orgasms during the Middle Ages because it was thought that orgasms made women less capable of getting pregnant

Francis I of France once said, "Anyone who doesn't have a mistress is a nincompoop."

Catherine of Medici, the Italian wife of Henry II of France, organized prostitution as an important arm of diplomacy, and employed her maids of honor to achieve her ends

Modern France ended state regulated prostitution in 1946. The movement was led by Marthe Richard, who later changed her opinion.

At the beginning of the 16th century, Rome had more registered prostitutes proportionately, than Venice. Rome, which had 6,800 out of total population of 90,000 versus Venice, which had 11,654 out of 300,000.

Removing pubic hair was a fashionable sexual practice among European women in the 16th century.

Charlemagne thought prostitution should be punishable by death in some cases.

The missionary position was the favorite sexual position of both modern Europeans and ancient Romans.

Cleopatra made her diaphragm from camel dung.

The modern IUD invented was invented in 1909.

Young was the first condom manufacturer to advertise in a major American magazine--it was the June 1969 issue of Sport magazine and the ad was against VD. Ironically Playboy refused to accept Young's add until 1972.

Sex, Science, and Statistics

According to the book Hidden Bedroom Partners: Needs and Motives That Destroy Sexual Pleasure, what your partner does after sex may have lots of hidden meanings. Immediately rolling over and going to sleep may indicate anger. Going to the bathroom may reflect feelings of guilt.

The typical person spends about 600 hours having sex between the ages of 20 and 70.

Reserachers say that condoms exposed to smog and ozone are less effective.

Americans spend twice as much money on pornography than they do on cookies.

A survey in Cosmopolitan magazine said that foreplay usually last 14 to 17 minutes for the average married couple, and that the man typically reaches orgasm after six minutes of copulation.

According to the Earthsave Foundation, the sperm count of the average American male is down 30 percent from 30 years ago.

According to Runner's World magazine, two out of three runners say that they fantasize about sex while running. On the other hand, one out of 11 fantasizes about running while having sex.

On average, it takes two tablespoons of blood to get a man's penis erect.

According to one theory, people who chew a lot of ice have a high sex drive.

The 1992 Kinsey Report established that the average man's speed of emission was 18 kilometers per hour.

According to the National Institute of Business Management, one of every eight boss-secretary romances ends in marriage. One out of 10 secretaries admits to having been romantically involved with her boss, with only 25 percent saying that the experience had negative impact on their careers.

According to Archives of General Medicine, coffee drinkers have sex more frequently and enjoy it more than non-coffee drinkers.

Working Woman reports that companies with the lowest percentage of women workers have the highest percentage of sexual harassment complaints.

Master's and Johnson's stages of the sexual response cycle are excitement, plateau, orgasm, and resolution.

The average time that a man lasts after penetration is two minutes.

According to the Kinsey Report, 10 percent of the population is exclusively hetero or homosexual.

According to the Hite Report, candles are the artificial device used more frequently by women when masturbating.

According to Kinsey Report (1953), 15 percent of the female population was capable of multiple orgasms.

20 million Americans watch pornography annually.

Regular cranberry juice is better for a bladder infection than organic cranberry juice because of the acidity of the preservative benzoic acid.

The vagina and the eye are self-cleaning organs.

According to Susan Lark, MD, director of the PMS Self-Help Center in Los Altos, Calif., having sex with orgasm relieves menstrual cramps because the vigorous muscle action moves blood and other fluids away from congested organs.

Sex and Religion

According to certain rabbinical interpretations, Adam had sex with animals.

The passage of the bible that discourages masturbation is Genesis 38:7-11, which is story about when Judah's son, Er, died childless and his brother, Onan, was required to impregnate Er's widow. During sex, Onan withdrew and "spilled his seed," which displeased God, who eventually killed him. Onanism means "male masturbation" and "coitus interruptus."

The prophet Hosea was commanded to marry a prostitute because Israel, herself, hath committed great whoredom.

David, king of Israel, had an affair with Bathsheba, an other man's wife, and had the man sent off to battle to die so her could marry her himself.

According to Jewish law (the Mishnah), laborers were advised to have intercourse with their wives twice a week. Ass drivers, on the other hand, were directed to do it once a week. By the way, the unemployed were directed to do it every day.

From the 6th until 11th century, the church treated homosexuals no more harshly than couples who practiced contraception. The early Christian church was also more permissive toward abortion than contraception and more permissive toward homosexuality than masturbation.

Henry I of England charged a tax to ecclesiastics who abandoned celibacy. The practice began in 1129.

At the time of the Reformation, there were 100,000 prostitutes were there in England.

In the 10th century, it was ruled that a cleric who experienced a wet dream would have to sing 7 prescribed penitential psalms right after the fact and in the morning sing 30 more.

The celibacy requirement for priesthood adopted by the Lateran Council in 1215.

St. Augustine had a concubine to whom he was faithful for 15 years. He said that his youth "boiled over in fornication." He also epitomized a general feeling among church fathers that the act of intercourse was fundamentally disgusting.

St. Jerome said that full grown virgin women should never bathe and should be ashamed of their bodies.

St. Tertullian called women "the devil's gateway ... on account of you, even the son of God had to die."

St. Boniface is the saint that one should invoke in cases of sodomy.

Sex and Language

"Reltney" is archaic slang for "penis."

"Hockey" is archaic slang for "semen."

"Amy-John" is archaic slang for a "lesbian."

"Buck-snort" is archaic slang for a "fart."

"Scrump" is archaic slang for "the sexual act." Ben Franklin referred to prostitutes as "scrumpets."

"Old Joe" is slang for "syphilis."

"Morning dew" is slang for "gonorrhea."

The word "ejaculation" comes from the Latin word meaning "throwing out."

The G-spot, a sensitive area located inside the vagina on the upper wall, an inch or two behind the back of the pubic bone, is named for Dr. Ernest Grafenberg.

The modern psychiatric definition of nymphomaniac is a woman who cannot experience sexual satisfaction regardless of the number of orgasms or partners she has.

Pornography is derived from the Greek word meaning "the writings of prostitutes."

The word "masochism" was coined because of the 1870 novel, Venus In Furs.

The expression venereal disease was first used in 1527 by Jacques de Bethercourt.

According to author Camille Paglia in Sexual Personae, Bob Dylan's song "Ballad of a Thin Man" contains lyrics that describe the rape-like devouring of a penis described as a breast. ("You're a cow! Give me some milk or else go home!")

According to one source, there are about 1,000 recognized slang words for "vagina."

Aphallatosis is a mental disorder resulting from a lack of sex life.

In the 17th century, Spain boasted that it was free of sexual deviance. When referring to bestiality, Spanish nicknamed it "the Italian vice."

Around the turn of the century, British newspapers advertised brassieres as "patent bust improvers."

The word "sex" was coined in 1382.

Syphillis was known as "the French Disease" in Italy and "the English Disease" in France.

Porn star Candida Royale was named after a yeast infection.

If We Could *#$%*&!@ With the Animals

Bats have sex in the air while flying.

Kinsey found that the most frequent animal/human sex was in excess of eight times a week. The age group that was the most frequent was less than 15 years old.

Erect giraffe penises are four feet long.

Chinese lovers, before the days of Mao, were most fond of sex with fowl.

When faced with an unfamiliar partner, a pregnant female rat or mouse will spontaneously abort its fetus and go into heat.

To have sex with donkeys, Mongol men would often tie their hind legs together.

Average sexual intercourse between minks lasts eight hours.

Middle Eastern cave paintings reveal that men used to have sex with female crocodiles because they believed that it would make them rich and important

A dragonfly's penis has a shovel on the end that scoops out a rival male's semen

The Inca enacted laws to prevent llama drivers from having sex with their animals and enforced the laws be requiring that the llama drivers be escorted by chaperones. Because they are in heat, female baboons will show their buttocks to males.

The average gorilla weighing 200 pounds has a penis that is two inches long.

When turning to sex with animals, Marquesan men are more likely to have sex with chickens.

Upon losing battles, apes will tend to masturbate.

Male boars excite females by breathing on their faces. (They have smelly breath.)

In the animal kingdom, chimpanzees hold the record for the fastest quickies. Sexual intercourse can last as little as three seconds.

Slugs can fertilize their own eggs.

Most giraffes are bisexual.

Billy goats urinate on their own heads to smell more attractive to females.

The Aplysia californica or sea hare, which resemble slugs more than they do snails, are found around West Coast beaches where they eat so much seaweed that they can weigh up to 15 pounds and reach two feet in length. The only other activity that they are known to do other than eating is copulating.

Pigs and hogs have corkscrew-shaped penises.

The sea slug does little more than eat, sleep, and copulate--actually it copulates a lot, often in orgies. One researcher at the University of Miami has witnessed as many as 10 sea slugs at a time engaging in chain copulating.

 

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