I have been living with my girlfriend for the past 3 years. We are both in our mid twenties and our sex life is a disaster. The very few times we make love, it is always in the missionary position. My girlfriend does not want to try anything else. She does not communicate and is emotionally withholding. I have spent hours attempting to find out what she likes. I wanted to go to a sex therapist with her. She refused. I even offered her to have sex with another man. She said I am a pervert. I am living with a blank wall. I would like one day to get married, have children. I am terrified to imagine what our sex life will be in 10 years. She never says anything. We can never talk about sex. We barely even have sex. I am not be able to live with a frigid woman. I feel helpless and hopeless. I can only see one solution: to leave her. What a pity... P.S.: She says: 'hurry up' every
time I caress her. 

What a painful situation to find yourself in! Young, sexy, sensuous, caring, willing... and confronted with an extremely inhibited woman. 

Your girlfriend is not frigid. There are no frigid women as such. But some women, because of their upbringing or painful past experiences, do not allow themselves to feel aroused, to enjoy kissing, cuddling, caressing, love making. I am not sure why your girlfriend is acting the way she does. Is her family very religious or very strict? Does she believe that sex is taboo or a sin? Is it only OK to make love in order to have children? Has she been sexually assaulted or molested? 

I am worried about the very poor quality of your sex life. Your girlfriend clearly does not enjoy sex. On top of that, she refuses to communicate. And good communication is vital to a good relationship. 

I am also worried for you. How can you feel secure as a man and as a lover if your woman tells you "hurry up" when you touch her? You offered her to have sex with someone else, not because you are a pervert, but because you are feeling insecure. You are partly blaming yourself for her lack of responsiveness. 

Your girl needs to learn to trust you, to trust herself and to let go of her defenses during sex. She needs to give permission to herself to be sensual and sexual, to enjoy sex and to accept that she has the right to a fulfilling sex life. 

You still want to make this relationship work if you can. If not, you would have already left her. Give her a good sex education book for adults. Once she has read it, insist that she accompanies you to a sex therapist. Don't give her an ultimatum. Tell her that you love her. That you feel disappointed and rejected. That you aim is not to force her to make love to you, but to help her discover and enjoy her sexuality.
And be patient. She will need some time to get used to the idea. 

But don't wait forever. If in six months she still refuses to compromise, then your best bet will be to forget about this relationship and move forward. You cannot spend the rest of your life feeling sexually frustrated. It will also make you feel hurt, unloved, resentful. Your relationship will ultimately breakdown anyway... 

2. Point of no return

I am 25 and for the last few months have been living with a man of my age. I am not madly in love with him but I like him very much. He is caring and loving. We have a very active sex life and yet, I never have orgasms. I get very excited, up to a point of no return, which is may be an orgasm, but not that wonderful. Afterwards, I have secretions that come out in spurts. I like having sex with him but I am feeling very frustrated not to have an orgasm and all the signs that go with it. 

Many women are not sure they have had an orgasm. The signs you are describing indicate that physiologically you do have orgasms. You get to a point of no return. You are even one of the few lucky women who has a G spot and who ejaculates. 

But you do not really enjoy your orgasms. May be you are expecting fireworks every time. Quite unrealistic. Or, as you are not in love with your partner, you don't allow yourself to relish sex. Read my leaflet 'Everything you want to know about... Orgasms' to help you understand what is really happening in your body and your heart.

3. Madonna or whore 

I decided to write to you before I get completely out of my mind, as I cannot confide in anyone around me. 

For the past two years my husband has been seeing prostitutes, these beautiful, sexy and loving women. Unfortunately, I am not beautiful or sexy anymore. I had some health problems and put on weight. I am not huge, but in this world of slim people there is no place for me. 

When I started gaining weight, my husband said that he loved voluptuous women. And I, who found it so difficult to accept myself, thought how very lucky I am to have such a husband. Then, there was a time when my hormones played up. I lost my sexual appetite. But my husband was always so understanding... 

The birth of our son was a miracle. I had a very difficult pregnancy. The baby was premature and never wanted to sleep. This lasted for two whole years. I did not want my husband to wake up tired in the morning. So he slept in the bedroom and I in the living room. I thought he understood and that his first priority, like mine, was our son. I thought my husband was faithful, until one day the sky fell over my head. 

I discovered a hidden box with some money in it. This money increased, decreased, disappeared, reappeared as the days went by. I thought he had a mistress. Then, one day, I pressed the redial button on our phone. A massage parlor answered. 

I am really hurting inside. The pain is eating me up. I confronted my husband, but he denies everything. I tried hard to come closer to him sexually. But it is not working. He goes to bed really early or refuses to make love. When he makes an effort, he is quick as lightening and I suffer even more afterwards. I ask myself what he does with her, what I should do to him, and I feel very dirty.

I want to save my marriage for the sake of my son who loves his father. I don't know what to do anymore. Getting into therapy is expensive and money is short. 

I empathies wholeheartedly with your agony. It is always so painful to discover that your partner is unfaithful. 

Since the birth of your child your husband feels second best. He never expressed his anger. But he seems to be acting it out. On top of that, he sees you now only as a mother. And having sex with 'mother' is taboo. So he is unable to make love to you, but satisfies his needs with a prostitute. This problem is so common that psychologists call it the syndrome of the Madonna and the Whore. 

You, on the other hand, have forgotten that your husband is not only a father but also your lover. And because he is having sex with other women and because you don't feel desired anymore, you have lost all your self-confidence. 

If you want to save your marriage, not only for the sake of your son but specially for your own sake, you need to consult a marital therapist with your husband. Therapy does not have to be expensive. Contact your local branch of Relate. I am sure they will be able to help you. 

4. Liar

My husband is a liar and a cheat. He boasts to his work mates that we make love every day. This is a fib. He gave me only 3 orgasms in 4 years. I have to please him through oral sex, but he refuses to do the same for me. He spends all our money on himself and I have barely enough to eat. I have tried repeatedly to tell him how I feel, but he refuses to listen. I would like so much to save our marriage. 

Your marriage can be saved if, and only if, both your husband and you are ready to put some really hard work into your relationship and consult a marital therapist. 

If you cannot persuade your husband to accompany you, see a therapist on your own. It will help you gain some self-confidence and make a decision you will not regret. 

5. SOS 

70 years old, full of desires but with infrequent erections, rejected at home, refusing to go to prostitutes... Where can I find a woman who will enjoy satisfying my fantasies? My willy is quite firm when I fantasies about being kissed and fondled with love. Dear MidnightChicago, please help! 

What a pity your wife refuses to share your fantasies. 

Your erections are infrequent because you feel rejected. Otherwise, there is nothing wrong with your penis. It is fine when you fantasies! 

Lots of women would love to share your fantasies. And in your age range, there are many more available women than men. Statistics are in your favor. Go out and about as often as you can. Make new friends, meet new people. Your dream woman is waiting for you just around the corner! 

6. Precious drops

When we are making love, my man never has these drops on the tip of his penis that lubricate the entry of the vagina. Why? No one ever speaks about it. 

You seem to be describing the pre-ejaculatory fluid. Relax! 30% of men do not produce it. 25% have one drop, 10% two drops and 35% a bit more. Your lover is not an exception. 

In 25% of men the pre-ejaculatory fluid contains enough sperm to impregnate a woman. So, if you don't want to get pregnant, never ever use it as a lubricant. 

7. What a surprise! 

My wife never wants to make love. When I go near her she opens her legs wide and says 'come, but quickly'. Last week I returned from a business trip earlier than expected. I entered our house very quietly, thinking my wife would be pleasantly surprised to see me. Noises were coming from the bedroom. The door was open. She was making love to another man. She looked terrific, wearing a Basque and suspenders, like I have never seen her before. They were so engrossed in what they were doing they failed to notice me. I left without a noise. I spent the night at a motel and came back the next morning at the usual time. I have not said a word to her, but I am feeling really worried. 

My heart goes to you. You must be still in a state of shock... 

You have two options: You continue pretending nothing has happened. But it is very difficult and, in the long run, lethal for your couple. Or you tell her you saw her making love to another man and ask her to see a marital therapist with you. If you really want to save your marriage, this is by far your best bet. 

Think it over. Take your time. If you decide to confront your wife, what would you do if she refused to start therapy? Will you give her an ultimatum? Leave her and hope to rebuild your life with someone else? I wish you good luck and lots of courage. 

8. Wet kisses 

I am 19. The first time I went out with my boyfriend, I liked him very much. We waited a few weeks before attempting intercourse. It took us many months before he succeeded to penetrate me. This difficulty is, I think, due to our lack of experience. 

We rarely make love now. About once a month. It is strange but I am not turned on. I feel uncomfortable when my boyfriend caresses me. I am also very bothered by all these liquids. His kisses are full of saliva. I don't like his semen either. After intercourse, there is always a lot of liquid coming out of my vagina. Is that normal? 

I asked myself if I am really in love with my boyfriend. Well, I am not crazy about him, but I like him a lot. I heard that the pill can be responsible for loss of desire. Is that true? 

Your boyfriend ejaculates inside you. After love making his ejaculation seeps out of your vagina. What comes in must go out! As this is really worrying you, ask him to wear a condom. 

Contraceptive pills are responsible for the loss of desire in some women. But in your case, you don't like your boyfriend's kisses. You don't enjoy the way he makes love to you... 

May be you are turned off because you are fond of your boyfriend but you are not in love with him. You enjoy his friendship but not his passion. Or during love making you are both tense and stressed. This is not conducive to good sex. Besides, you have a very romantic notion of sex. Making love is also about exchanging sweat, saliva and much more! 

It is possible that you are simply not yet ready for intercourse. Don't have sex if you don't feel like it. Your body is yours and belongs to you only. Listen to it when it says no! 

9. Vacillating penis 

I am 20 years old and have been living with my boyfriend for the last 10 months. We get along really great. I love him more each day and I know that he feels the same. So, what is the problem? Well, when we make love, his willy is limp most of the time. He has an erection, looses it, gets it back... At that point, he is usually able to penetrate me. But after a short while, his penis is limp again. What can I do to help him keep his tackle stiff? He told me he had the same problem with a previous girlfriend because she was a cold fish. But with his other partners he was able to perform perfectly well. 

A penis is not meant to stay rigid for hours on end. Most men lose and regain their erection during love play and love making. This is perfectly normal. 

But as your boy friend is losing his erection during penetration, he is probably anxious about his performance. This anxiety often creates a vicious cycle of fear of performance and failure to perform, which ultimately paralyses his penis. To help him break this cycle, I send you my leaflet ' Everything you want to know about... Penises and erections' 

10. Dirty Talk 

I am 24. My new girlfriend is extremely good looking and I love her to death. We see each other only on week-ends and we always have a great time together. But something is worrying me. She adores making love and is always asking for more. When she gets really excited, she wants me to talk dirty to her and to tell her graphically what I am going to do to her. Up to this point, no problem. One day, I wanted to test her. I talked to her really dirty... She loved it. This is really bothering me. Very often I have nightmares and I see her making love to three men at the same time and asking for more. 

My real problem is that I am not able to trust her. I do want to marry her, but I can not bear the \thought to be with someone who will be cheating on me in a few years. Do you think I can trust her? When we talk outside lovemaking, she is totally different. She is even a bit shy and the idea of going to bed with another man horrifies her. She told me she had been sexually abused when she was seven, but that she has been able now to forget all about it. Should she seek help? Can I trust her? I am convinced that she loves me and wants to start a family too. That is what I want as well, but.... 

Quite a number of women and men like to talk dirty during love making. It is OK as long as you both enjoy it. But your girlfriend's expression of her sexuality has made you insecure to the point of having nightmares! Adoring sex and demanding sex does not make a woman less faithful or less trustful. And no one can predict if she is going to cheat on you in the future. But when a woman takes a lover, it is
generally because she is unsatisfied emotionally, not because she has not had enough sex. 

Because your girl friend was molested as a child, it may have had a lasting impact on her sexuality. Even if she thinks that she has forgotten all about it, such a traumatic experience cannot be erased from her mind. To be able to really put it behind her, she should consult a female therapist specialized in dealing with victims of sexual abuse. 

You love your girlfriend, you want to start a family with her. You need to learn how to trust her for your relationship to survive. If you find it difficult, a few sessions with a marital therapist can work wonders. 

11. Selfish 

It is difficult for me to reach an orgasm. I can only have one when I am fully relaxed and think of no one else but me. The truth is that very often I worry so much about my partner and his pleasure that I am not able to climax. This selfish behavior worries me. 

Like all of us, you need to be able to let go and concentrate on your own sensations to reach an orgasm. So, don't worry about being selfish! 

Practice 'constructive selfishness'. Have your orgasm first and then start worrying about the well-being of your partner. Or, depending on circumstances, him first and you after. It is a double jackpot: you will enjoy your orgasm and then rejoice in your partner's pleasure! Read my leaflet 'Everything you want to know about... Orgasms' 

12. Turned off

I have been married for twenty years. I love my husband but, come evening and time to relax, I dread being with him. I don't want to make love. I hate it when he touches me. The sight of the penis is disgusting. I have sex only to keep him happy. He knows it and would like to help me but does not know how. I am really terrified that one day he will walk out on me and say enough is enough.. 

In 1985, I had a nervous breakdown. I did try to talk to a psychologist about my problem. He did not answer. I also spoke with my gynecologist. She told me to make an effort and show my husband that I love him. I cannot cope any more... 

There are lots of reasons why a woman loses her sexual appetite. Depression and the use of antidepressants are often to blame. 

Don't force yourself into having sex. The more you feel that sex is a chore, the more you will be turned off. You need to give yourself permission to be sexual and to discover you own sensuality. The best way forward is to see a sex therapist with your husband. I send you my leaflet ''Everything you want to know about... Desire"

13. Unfit 

I am 35 and very fit physically. In spite of that, I am not able to get and maintain a hard erection when making love to my girlfriend. And yet, everything is fine when I am masturbating. I am really worried. I have even told my partner that I would call off our relationship if I were not able to satisfy her in the normal way. Please help! 

Today people are mostly having sex not for procreation, but for recreation. And you can even procreate without having sex! There is no 'normal' way to make love, but thousands of different ways to give and receive pleasure. Penetration is just one amongst many. 

You have erections when you masturbate. This is the proof that you can have an erection. You loose your erection when you make love because you are afraid of loosing it. It becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy! 

It is also possible that during sex, you are not getting the kind of stimulation you need. If this is the case, during love making, put your hand on your partner's hand and show her how to please you. 

Do not terminate your relationship because your penis is letting you down. You can overcome this problem. I send you my leaflet ' Everything you want to know about... Penises and erections'. It contains exercises which will help you. If in a couple of months the situation does not improve, consult a qualified sex therapist. 

14. Melons 

I am thirty years old. I used to be very good looking but I have lost the beauty of my breasts. I have big and heavy boobs and they are starting to drop all over my belly. I am not able anymore to take my clothes off in front of my future husband. We have stopped making love because I feel so ashamed about my body. Dear MidnightChicago, I feel I am slowly losing him. Can you help? 

You have several options:
 

• join a fitness club and train vigorously to tone up and strengthen your breast muscles. 
• consult a plastic surgeon. 
• wear a sexy bra when making love. 

But quite frankly, I do not believe that your breasts are the real issue. You are focusing all your anxiety and insecurity on your boobs. You may loose your partner not because your breasts are melons, but because you are refusing to make love. He must be feeling frustrated and rejected. 

You have to accept and love your body as it is and accept yourself as you are. This is much more important than having breasts pointing towards the ceiling. Your best bet is to consult a qualified psychotherapist. He/she will help you regain your self-confidence and enjoy sex with your partner. 

15. Golden Sex 

Living alone and over 90 now, I still find it exciting to masturbate from time to time. In view of my age, could such practice possibly be harmful for my health? 

Masturbation is beneficial at any age, and particularly at your age... It maintains your penis and prostate in top form and, as your are not making love regularly anymore, it preserves your sexual organs from atrophy. Because with sex it is either Use it or Loose it! So, stop worrying and masturbate as much as you want. 

16. Play it again... 

For the last few months I have been living with a man of my age (45). We make love every day, sometimes even twice a day. In spite of being very much in love with me, he struggles from time to time to have an erection. I try not to insist when it happens, but I can see that he is worried. 

Contrary to some women who can have multiple orgasms, one after the other, men need a certain amount of time to recover between intercourse. This amount varies from one man to another, and in the same man from one time to the other. Generally it is about half an hour for a man in his twenties, twenty four hours for a man in his sixties and somewhere in between for a man somewhere in between those ages. So it is quite normal for your partner to loose sometimes his erection. His mind says yes, but his body says no way! 

It is important you partner realizes that having an erection is not compulsory for good sex. Explain to him that he can easily send you up into the seventh heaven without penetration. If you do not reassure him, he will be worrying about a possible failure. This fear, in turn, will most certainly ruin his present and future erections. Read my leaflet 'Everything you want to know about penises and erections'. 

17. Lazy Lover 

I am 50 years old, married and very unhappy. I found a lovely man trough an advert. He is 45, sensitive, kind, generous, punctual and very attentive. He takes my hand and looks at me with so much love. I have never had a similar experience with my husband. However, what bothers me is that it took him 9 months to invite me to his apartment. How on earth is it possible that a man kisses and caresses a woman in the restaurant, the cinema, but does not wish to be alone with her? Why did he wait so long? 

Your friend kisses, cuddles and caresses you, and yet it took him an eternity to invite you to his apartment. 

May be his not quite sure about his qualities as a lover. He seems to be quite demonstrative in public places, probably because he knows you cannot have sex there. 

It is also possible that he is not ready for a more intense relationship. As you are married and therefore not 'free', he is afraid to invest in a relationship that is doomed to end. But I am only guessing. If you really want to know why, and if you are ready to accept and face the consequences of his answer, then ask him! 

18. Duo 

For the last few months I have been living with a 40 years old man. He says that he adores me and has been in love with me for the past 10 years in silence as we were both married. In the beginning sex was Ok. But now he is unable to hold his erection, even for a couple of minutes. He is so demoralized that he dares not touch me anymore. I do not want him to caress me and give me an orgasm because making love has to be something we do together. He would like me to help him. What can I do? 

Your lover is so afraid to be unable to satisfy you that he literally freezes and looses his erection. 

On the other hand, you insist on intercourse and simultaneous orgasms. Unwittingly your attitude increases his anxiety and terrifies his penis 

Your lover needs to be reassured. Tell him that you adore his kisses and caresses and that he does not need to have an erect penis to fulfill you. sans passer par la penetration. Allow him to masturbate you and watch your having an orgasm. This is also sharing pleasure! The day your lover will be convinced that he can satisfy you without an erection, that his erection is not indispensable it will magically come back. My leaflet 'Everything you want to know about penises and erections' can help you resolve this problem. 

19. Surprise 

After being married for 10 years I was astonished to learn that, for a man, ejaculating does not necessarily mean having pleasure. My husband says I have turned him off sex, that I have never been able to satisfy him and that he would rather masturbate himself while reading a porn magazine than have sex with me. He refuses to make love to me but accepts my kisses and caresses. How can I help him loose his inhibitions? What should be my reaction? I am worried that he is becoming gay. Like you, I am very surprised by your husband’s attitude. If he did not get any pleasure, it is his fault. Why wait for 10 years before complaining? 

You are worried about your husband’s sexual orientation. If he masturbates and gets excited by looking at female nude pictures, I don’t think he is gay. But if male nude pictures really turn him on, then he may well have discovered that he is homosexual. 

Your husband’s behavior is a symptom of something fundamental not working in your relationship. Or he may be depressed. Or he is angry against you and is expressing his hurt in his way. But all these are suppositions. The only certainty is that he finds it easier to masturbate than to face his actual problems. On the other hand your situation is extremely difficult and painful. If you want to resolve it, you need to address the relationship problems existing in your couple. Your best bet would be to consult together a marital therapist. I wish you good luck. 

20. Lubrication 

I am 19 years old and have a very loving and caring boy friend whom I adore. My problem? I never feel like having sex. When I finally decide to make love, everything is OK. Sometimes, I even have multiple orgasms and I never regret making love with him. But, in spite of all the pleasure he gives me, I refuse most of the time. I lubricate very little and we have to use a lubricant most of the time. It makes me feel embarrassed and ashamed. Can you help? 

May be you do not feel like making love as frequently as your boy friend because you needs are different.
But certainly having to use a lubricant turns you off. 

Using a lubricant is nothing to be ashamed of. On the contrary, it is an excellent idea! Penetration is easier and painless. 

Your lubrication is insufficient probably because penetration occurs before you are ready. When a woman is really aroused, her vagina widen and lengthen and she lubricates better. But it is also possible that you do not let yourself go during lovemaking because you are afraid of not lubricating enough. This anxiety inhibits your arousal and your lubrication. Read my leaflets: ‘Everything you want to know about … Orgasms’ and ‘Everything you want to know about… Desire’. They will help you enjoy more your sex life.