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 Jokes

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A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves and engage in >animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following: 
"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Den I come one lasta time." 
"You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!" 
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin abouta sex? Imma justs tella my friend how to spella Mississippi."

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A 97-year-old man goes into his doctor's office and says, "Doc, I
want my sex drive lowered."

"Sir," replied the doctor, "you're 97. Don't you think your 'sex
drive' is all in your head?"

"You're darned right it is!" replied the old man. "That's why I want
it lowered!"

__________________________________________________________________

This guy calls in to complain that he gets an "Access Denied"
essage every time he logs in. It turned out he was typing his user
name and password in capital letters.

Tech Support: "OK, let's try once more, but use lower case letters."

Customer: "Uh, I only have capital letters on my keyboard."

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Three women who work in the same office notice that their female boss has
started leaving work early every day, so one day they decide that after she
leaves, they'll take off early, too. After all, she never calls or comes
back, so how is she to know?

The brunette is thrilled to get home early. She does a little gardening,
watches a movie and then goes to bed early.

The redhead is elated to be able to get in a quick workout at her health
club before meeting a dinner date.

The blonde is also very happy to be home early, but as she goes upstairs
she hears noises coming from her bedroom. She quietly opens the door a crack
and is mortified to see her husband in bed with HER BOSS! Ever so gently, she
closes the door and creeps out of her house.

The next day the brunette and redhead talk about leaving early again, but
when they ask the blonde if she wants to leave early also, she exclaims,
"NO WAY! Yesterday I almost got caught!"
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Always give 100% at work.......
12% on Monday
23% on Tuesday
40% on Wednesday
20% on Thursday
5% on Fridays

And remember .......
When you're having a really bad day and it seems 
like people are trying to piss you off, remember 
it takes 42 muscles to frown and
only 4 to extend your finger and flip them off.

__________________________________________________________________

"Cash, check or charge?" the cashier asked after folding
items the woman wished to purchase. As the woman fumbled
for her wallet, the cashier noticed a remote control for
a television set in her purse.

"Do you always carry your TV remote?" the cashier asked.

"No," she replied. "But my husband refused to come shopping
with me, so I figured this was the most evil thing I could
do to him."
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A couple had two little boys, ages 8 and 10, who were
excessively mischievous. The two were always getting into trouble and their
parents could be assured that if any mischief occurred in their town their
two young sons were in some way involved. The parents
were at their wits end as to what to do about their sons' behavior.
The mother had heard that a clergyman in town had been successful
in disciplining children in the past, so she asked her husband if he
thought they should send the boys to speak with the clergyman. The
husband said, "We might as well. We need to do something before I really
lose my temper!" The clergyman agreed to speak with the boys, but asked to
see them individually.

The 8 year old went to meet with him first. The clergyman sat the boy down
and asked him sternly, "Where is God?"

The boy made no response, so the clergyman repeated the question in an even
sterner tone, "Where is God?"

Again the boy made no attempt to answer. So the clergyman raised his voice
even more and shook his finger in the boy's face,
"WHERE IS GOD?"

At that the boy bolted from the room and ran directly home, slamming
himself in the closet.

His older brother followed him into the closet and said, "What happened?"

The younger brother replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time. God is
missing and they think we did it."

__________________________________________________________________

This little boy wakes up 3 nights in a row when he hears a thumping
sound coming from his parents bedroom. Finally one morning he goes to
his mom and says, "Mommy, every night I hear you and daddy making noise
and when I look in you're bouncing up and down on him".

 His mom is taken by surprise and says. "Oh... well I'm bouncing on his
stomach because he's fat and that makes him thin again."

And the boy says, "That won't work."

 His mom says, "Why?".

 The boy replies, "Because the lady next door comes by after you leave
each day and blows him back up!"

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 3 guys died and when they got to the pearly gates, St. Peter met 
them there. St. Peter said, "I know that you guys are forgiven 
because you're here. Before I let you into Heaven, I have to ask 
you something. Your answer will depend on what kind of car you 
get. You have to have a car in Heaven because Heaven is so big!" 

The first guy walks up and Peter asks the first guy, "How long 
were you married?" 

The first guy says, "24 years." 

"Did you ever cheat on your wife?", Peter asked. 

The guy said, "Yeah, 7 times...but you said I was forgiven." 

Peter said, "yeah, but that's not too good. Here's you a Pinto to 
drive." 

The second guy walks up and gets the same question from Peter. 
The second guy said, "I was married for 41 years and cheated on 
her once, but that was our first year and we really worked it out 
good." 

Peter said, "I'm pleased to hear that, here's you a Lincoln." 

The 3rd guy walked up and said, "Peter, I know what you're going 
to ask. I was married for 63 years and didn't even look at 
another woman! I treated my wife like a queen!" 

Peter said, "That's what I like to hear. Here's you a Jaguar!" 

A little while later, the 2 guys with the Lincoln and the Pinto 
seen the guy with the Jaguar crying on the golden sidewalk so 
they went to see what was the matter. When they asked the guy 
with the Jaguar what was wrong, he said, "I just seen my wife, 
she was on a skateboard!" 

__________________________________________________________________

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the
front door. "Hurry!" she said, "stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed

baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder.
"Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a
statue."

"What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.

"Oh, it's just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought
one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too."
No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they
went to sleep.

Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen
and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk.

"Here," he said to the 'statue', "eat something. I stood like an idiot
at the Smiths' for three days, and nobody offered me as much as a glass
of water."
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 Three couples, an elderly couple, a middle-aged couple and a young,
newlywed
couple wanted to join a church. The pastor said, "We have special
requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for
two weeks."

The couples agreed and came back at the end of two weeks. The pastor went
to the elderly couple and asked, "Were you able to abstain from sex for two
weeks?" The old man replied, "No problem at all, Pastor."
"Congratulations!
 Welcome to the church!" said the pastor.

The pastor went to the middle-aged couple and asked, "Well, were you able
to abstain from sex for the two weeks?" The man replied, "The first week was
not too bad. The second week I had to sleep on the couch for a few nights
but, yes, we made it." "Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the
pastor.

The pastor then went to the newlywed couple and asked, "Well, were you able
to abstain from sex for the two weeks?" "No Pastor, we were not able to go
without sex for the two weeks," the young man replied sadly. "What
happened?" inquired the pastor.

"My wife was reaching for a can of paint on the top shelf and dropped it.
When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and took
advantage of her right there."
"You understand, of course, this means you will not be welcome in our
church," stated the pastor.

"We know," said the young man, "we're not welcome at HOME DEPOT anymore
either!"

__________________________________________________________________

January 1, 2000


Dear Valued Employee:

Re: Vacation Pay

Our records indicate that you have not used any vacation time over the past
100 year(s). As I'm sure you are aware, employees are granted 3 weeks of
paid leave per year or pay in lieu of time off. One additional week is granted
for every 5 years of service. Please either take 9,400 days off work or notify
our office and your next pay cheque will reflect payment of $8,277,432.22
which will include all pay and interest for the past 1,200 months.
Sincerely,
Automated Payroll Processing
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Stuff You got to know
If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would have
produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee..

If you fart consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is
produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb..

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body
to squirt blood 30 feet..

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour..

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure..

On average people fear spiders more than they do death..

The strongest muscle in the body is the TONGUE..

It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open..

You can't kill yourself by holding your breath..

Americans on the average eat 18 acres of pizza every day..

Every time you lick a stamp, you're consuming 1/10 of a calorie..

Did you know that you are more likely to be killed by a champagne cork
than by a poisonous spider?

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than
left-handed people do..

In ancient Egypt, Priests plucked EVERY hair from their bodies,
including their eyebrows and eyelashes..

A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes..

A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out..

The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own
weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated..

Polar bears are left handed..

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds, that makes the catfish rank #1
for animal having the most taste buds..

The flea can jump 350 times its body length, that is like a human
jumping the length of a football field..

cockroach will live nine days without it's head, before it starves
to death..

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to
its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the males head off..

Some lions mate over 50 times a day..

Butterflies taste with their feet.

Elephants are the only animals that can't jump.

A cat's urine glows under a black light..

An ostrich's eye is bigger than it's brain..

Starfishes haven't got brains
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Three men had won the lottery and had split the money into 3 equal parts,
but all of them wanted to give some of their money to the church.

The first man said " I'm going to draw a circle on the ground & throw all
my money up in the air, whatever lands in the circle I will keep & the rest I
will give to the church."

The second man said " I will throw my money in the air, if it lands heads
up, I will give it to the church & the rest I will keep for myself."

The third man said " I will throw all of my money up in the air, the money
that stays up in the air, I will give to the church and the money that
falls down to the ground, I will keep for myself."
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