**Disclaimer:  The following pages contain sexually oriented adult material, which is intended for individuals 21 years of age or older!  MidnightChicago is not responsible for the actions of our advertisers.  If you are not 21, please leave now.  Exit Now **

 Jokes 

page 1|page 2|page 3

Two guys are bungee-jumping one day. The first guy says to
the second. "You know, we could make a lot of money running
our own bungee-jumping service in Mexico."

The second guy thinks this is a great idea, so the two pool
their money and buy everything they'll need - a tower, an
elastic cord, insurance, etc.

They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the square. As
they are constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble.
Slowly, more and more people gather to watch them at work.

The first guy jumps. He bounces at the end of the cord, but
when he comes back up, the second guy notices that he has a
few cuts and scratches. Unfortunately, the second guy isn't
able catch him, he falls again, bounces and comes back up
again.

This time, he is bruised and bleeding. Again, the second guy
misses him. The first guy falls again and bounces back up.
This time, he comes back pretty messed up - he's got a couple
of broken bones and is almost unconscious.

Luckily, the second guy finally catches him this time and
says, "What happened? Was the cord too long?"

The first guy says, "No, the cord was fine, but what the heck
is a 'pinata'?"
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A country preacher decided to skip services one Sunday and head 
to the hills to do some bear hunting. As he rounded the corner 
on a perilous twist in the trail, he and a bear collided, sending 
him and his rifle tumbling down the mountainside. Before he knew 
it, his rifle went one way and he went the other, landing on a 
rock and breaking both legs.

That was the good news.

The bad news was the ferocious bear charging at him from a 
distance, and he couldn't move. "Oh, Lord," the preacher prayed, 
"I'm so sorry for skipping services today to come out here and 
hunt. Please forgive me and grant me just one wish . . . please 
make a Christian out of that bear that's coming at me. Please, 
Lord!"

That very instant, the bear skidded to a halt, fell to its knees, 
clasped its paws together and began to pray aloud right at the 
preacher's feet.

"Dear God, please bless this food that I am about to receive!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the
same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment, they both
manage to get to sleep; the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower.
In the middle of the night, the woman leans over and says, "I'm sorry to
bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly pass
me another blanket."

The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, "I've got a better
idea... let's pretend we are married."
"Why not," giggles the woman.

"Good," he replies. "Get your own damn blanket."

__________________________________________________________________

The Americans and Russians at the height of the arms race 
realized that if they continued in the usual manner they were 
going to blow up the whole world. One day they sat down and 
decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight. They 
would have five years to breed the best fighting dog in the 
world and which ever side's dog won would be entitled to 
dominate the world. 

The Russians found the biggest meanest Doberman and Rottweiler 
female dogs in the world and bred them with the biggest meanest 
Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest 
puppy from each litter, removed his siblings which gave him all 
the milk. After five years came up with the biggest meanest 
dog the world had ever seen.

Its cage needed steel bars that were five inches thick and 
nobody could get near it.

When the day came for the dog fight, the Americans showed up 
with a strange animal. It was a nine foot long Dachshund. 
Everyone felt sorry for the Americans because they knew there 
was no way that this dog could possibly last ten seconds with 
the Russian dog.

When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out of it's 
cage and slowly waddled over towards the Russian dog. The Russian 
dog snarled and leaped out of it's cage and charged the American 
dachshund. But, when it got close enough to bite the Dachshund's 
neck, the Dachshund opened it's mouth and consumed the Russian 
dog in one bite.

There was nothing left at all of the Russian dog.

The Russians came up to the Americans shaking their heads in 
disbelief. "We don't understand how this could have happened. 
We had our best people working for five years with the meanest 
Doberman and Rottweiler female dogs in the world and the biggest 
meanest Siberian wolves."

"That's nothing", an American replied. "We had our best plastic 
surgeons working for five years to make an alligator look 
like a Dachshund."

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything,
including human beings.

Little Johnny a child in the kindergarten class, seemed especially
intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's
ribs.

Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were
ill, and said, "Johnny what is the matter?"

Little Johnny responded, "I have a pain in my side. I think I'm going
have a wife."

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
1. When I traveled to a distant city, I stopped in at a nice
restaurant and immediately hung up my coat and hat. In plain 
view was a sign that said, "Watch Your Hat and Coat". I then 
went in and sat down at a table. While, naturally looking around, 
I glanced up at the ceiling only to read a sign that said, "Uh! 
Uh! You're NOT watching your hat and coat!

2. I am in the Navy, and we travel by ship to several different 
places all over the world. After Australia, we were on our way 
to Hawaii. In the smoking area, a Marine spoke up and asked if 
anyone knew the exchange rate in Hawaii. He didn't get it when 
we told him it was dollar for dollar.

3. On a recent trip from Boston to Los Angeles, the flight was 
delayed one hour taking off. There was lots of grumbling on the
plane. And as the plane taxied to the run way the pilot came 
on the intercom and explained the delay as follows. "Good 
afternoon, this is your pilot, thank you for your patience. 
We are sorry for the delay today but the machine that rips 
the handles off your luggage broke down and in an effort to 
provide the quality service you have grown to expect we have 
had to manually rip the baggage handles off, which took us 
longer."

__________________________________________________________________

A farmer named Muldoon lived alone in the countryside with a pet dog
which he loved and doted on. After many long years of companionship, the
dog finally died so Muldoon went to the parish priest:

"Father, my dear old dog is dead. Could you be saying a mass for the
creature?" Father Patrick replied, "I am so very sorry to hear about your
dog's death. But, unfortunately we cannot have services for an animal in
the church. However, there's a new denomination down the road, no telling
what they believe, but maybe they'll do something for the animal."

Muldoon said, "I'll go right now. Do you think $500 is enough to donate
for the service?" 
Father Patrick: "Why didn't you tell me the dog was Catholic!"

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Two guys who worked together were both laid off, so off they went to the
unemployment office. Asked his occupation, the first guy said "Panty
stitcher. I sew the elastic onto cotton panties." The clerk looked up
panty stitcher. Finding it classed as unskilled labor, she gave him $300
a week unemployment pay.

The second guy was asked his occupation. "Diesel fitter" he replied.
Since diesel fitters was a skilled job the clerk gave the second guy $600.
a week.

When the first guy found out he was furious. He stormed back in to find
out why his friend and co-worker was collecting double his pay. The clerk
explained: panty stitchers were unskilled and diesel fitters were skilled
labor.

"What skill?" yelled the panty stitcher. "I sew the elastic on. He pulls
on it and says, "Yep, diesel fitter".

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

He does not have a beer gut...
He has developed a Liquid Grain Storage Facility.

He is not quiet...
He is a Conversational Minimalist.

He is not stupid...
He suffers from Minimal Cranial Development.

He does not get lost all the time...
He discovers Alternative Destinations.

He is not balding...
He is in Follicle Regression.

He is not a cradle robber...
He prefers Generationally Differential Relationships.

He does not get falling-down drunk...
He becomes Accidentally Horizontal.

He does not have his head up his ass...
He suffers from Rectal-Cranial Inversion.

He is not short...
He is Anatomically Compact.

He does not have a rich daddy...
He is a Recipient of Parental Asset Infusion.

He does not constantly talk about cars...
He has a Vehicular Addiction.

He does not have a hot body...
He is Physically Combustible.

He is not unsophisticated...
He is Socially Challenged.

He does not eat like a pig...
He suffers from Reverse Bulimia.

He is not a bad dancer...
He is Overly Caucasian.

He is not a sex machine...
He is Romantically Automated.

He does not hog the blankets...
He is Thermally Unappreciative.

He is not a male chauvinist pig...
He has Swine Empathy.

He does not undress you with his eyes...
He has an Introspective Pornographic Moment.

He is not afraid of commitment...
He is Monogamously Challenged.

__________________________________________________________________

Upon arriving home in eager anticipation of a leisurely evening, the
husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife.
Tearfully she explained, "It's the druggist. He insulted me terribly
this morning on the phone."
Immediately the husband drove downtown to accost the druggist and demand
an apology. Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist
told him, "Now,
just a minute. Listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm failed
to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and
hurried out to the car, but I'll be damned if
I didn't lock the house with both house and car keys inside. I had to
break a window to get my keys. Driving a little too fast, I got a
speeding ticket. Then, about three blocks from the store I had a flat
tire.
When I finally got to the store there was a bunch of people waiting for
me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these
people and all the time the darn phone was ringing its head off. Then I
had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make
change, and they spilled all over the floor. I got down on my
hands and knees to pick up the nickels-the phone is still ringing. When
I came up,
I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back
against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it and half of them
hit the floor and broke. The phone is still ringing with no let up and I
finally got back to answer it. It was your wife -- she wanted to know
how to use a rectal thermometer.
And Mister, I TOLD HER!"

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Four guys are telling stories in a bar. One guy leaves for a bathroom
 break. Three guys are left.
 
``The first guy says, `I was worried that my son was gonna be a loser
 because he started out washing cars for a local dealership. Turns out
that he got a break, they made him a salesman, and he sold so many cars that
he bought the dealership. In fact, he's so successful that he just gave his
 best friend a new Mercedes for his birthday.'
 
``The second guy says, `I was worried about my son too because he started
 out raking leaves for a Realtor. Turns out he got a break, they made him
a commissioned salesman, and he eventually bought the real estate firm. In
 fact, he's so successful that he just gave his best friend a new house
for his birthday.'
 
``The third guy says, `Yeah, I hear you. My son started out sweeping
floors in a brokerage firm. In fact, he's so rich that he just gave his best
friend a million in stock for his birthday.'
 
``The fourth guy comes back from the can. The first three explain that
they are telling stories about their kids, so he says, `Well, I'm embarrassed
to admit that my son is a major disappointment. He started out as a
hairdresser and is still a hairdresser after 15 years. In fact, I just found out that
 he's gay and has several boyfriends. But, I try to look at the bright
side:
His boyfriends just bought him a new Mercedes, a new house, and a million
in stock for his birthday.' ''

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 Psychiatric Hotline

If you are Obsessive-Compulsive,
press 1 repeatedly.

If you are Co-Dependent,
please ask someone to press 2.

If you have Multiple Personalities, 
press 3,4,5, and 6.

If you are Paranoid-Delusional, 
we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line while we
trace your call.

If you are Schizophrenic,
listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are Manic-Depressive,
it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer.

__________________________________________________________________
What do you get from a pampered cow?
 Spoiled milk.

 What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
 Anyone can roast beef.
 
 Why are there so many Smiths in the phone book?
 They all have phones.

 Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
 They're trying to get away from the noise.

 What did the fish say when he hit a concrete wall?
"Dam".

 What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?
 Polaroids.

 How do crazy people go through the forest?
 They take the psycho path.

 What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
 Frostbite.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A guy driving a Yugo pulls up at a stoplight next to a Rolls-Royce.
The driver of the Yugo rolls down his window and shouts to the driver
of the Rolls, "Hey, buddy, that's a nice car. You got a phone in your
Rolls? I've got one in my Yugo!"

The driver of Rolls looks over and says simply, "Yes I have a phone."

The driver of the Yugo says, "Cool! Hey, you got a fridge in there
too? I've got a fridge in the back seat of my Yugo!"

The driver of the Rolls, looking annoyed, says, "Yes, I have a
refrigerator."

The driver of the Yugo says, "That's great, man! Hey, you got a TV in
there, too? You know, I got a TV in the back seat of my Yugo!"

The driver of the Rolls, looking very annoyed by now, says, "Of
course I have a television. A Rolls-Royce is the finest luxury car in
the world!"

The driver of the Yugo says, "Very cool car! Hey, you got a bed in
there, too? I got a bed in the back of my Yugo!"

Upset that he did not have a bed, the driver of the Rolls-Royce sped
away, and went straight to the dealer, where he promptly ordered that
a bed be installed in the back of the Rolls. The next morning, the
driver of the Rolls picked up the car, and the bed looked superb,
complete with silk sheets and brass trim. It was clearly a bed fit
for a Rolls Royce.

So the driver of the Rolls begins searching for the Yugo, and he
drove all day. Finally, late at night, he finds the Yugo parked, with
all the windows fogged up from the inside. The driver of the Rolls got
out and knocked on the Yugo. When there wasn't any answer, he knocked
and knocked, and eventually the owner stuck his head out, soaking wet.

"I now have a bed in the back of my Rolls-Royce," the driver of the
Rolls stated arrogantly.

The driver of the Yugo looked at him and said, "You got me out of the
shower for that??"

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 Carjacking Foiled: 
An elderly lady did her shopping and upon return found 4 males in her car. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at them at the top of her voice that she knows how to use it and that she will if required.....so get out of the car. The 4 men didn't wait around for a second invitation but got out and ran like mad, where upn the lady proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and got into the drivers seat. Small problem, her key wouldn't fit the ignition. Her car was identical and parked four or five spaces further down. She loaded her bags into her car and drove to the police station. 
The sergeant that she told the story to nearly tore himself in two with laughter and pointed to the other end of the counter where 4 pale white males were reporting a car-jacking by a mad, elderly, white woman. 
No charges were filed.

__________________________________________________________________

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. 
She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst 
way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local 
vendors were asking. After becoming very frustrated with 
the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde 
shouted, 

"Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator 
so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!" 

The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. 
Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!"

Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, 
set on catching herself an alligator. Later in the day, 
the shopkeeper is driving home, When he spots the young woman 
standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then,
he sees a huge 12 foot alligator swimming quickly toward her.

She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of 
effort hauls it On to the swamp bank. Laying nearby were 
several more of the dead creatures.

The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then the blonde 
flips the alligator on it's back, and frustrated, shouts out,

"Darn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What doctors say, and what
they're really thinking:

"This should be taken care of right away."
I'd planned a trip to Hawaii next month but this is so easy and
profitable that I want to fix it before it cures itself.

"Welllllll, what have we here...?"
He has no idea and is hoping you'll give him a clue.

"Let me check your medical history."
I want to see if you've paid your last bill before spending any more
time with you.

"Why don't we make another appointment later in the week."
I'm playing golf this afternoon, and this a waste of time.
--or--
I need the bucks, so I'm charging you for another office visit.

"We have some good news and some bad news."
The good news is, I'm going to buy that new BMW. The bad news is,
you're going to pay for it.

"Let's see how it develops."
Maybe in a few days it will grow into something that can be cured.

"Let me schedule you for some tests."
I have a forty percent interest in the lab.

"I'd like to have my associate look at you."
He's going through a messy divorce and owes me a bundle.

"I'd like to prescribe a new drug."
I'm writing a paper and would like to use you for a guinea pig.

"If it doesn't clear up in a week, give me a call."
I don't know what it is. Maybe it will go away by itself.

"That's quite a nasty looking wound."
I think I'm going to throw up.

"This may smart a little."
Last week two patients bit off their tongues.

"Well, we're not feeling so well today, are we...?"
I'm stalling for time. Who are you and why are you here?

"This should fix you up."
The drug company slipped me some big bucks to prescribe this stuff.

"Everything seems to be normal."
Rats! I guess I can't buy that new beach condo after all.

"I'd like to run some more tests."
I can't figure out what's wrong. Maybe the kid in the lab can solve
this one.

"Do you suppose all this stress could be affecting your nerves?"
You're crazier'n an outhouse rat. Now, if I can only find a shrink
who'll split fees with me ...

"There is a lot of that going around."
My God, that's the third one this week. I'd better learn something
about this.

"If those symptoms persist, call for an appointment."
I've never heard of anything so disgusting. Thank God I'm off next
week
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
For the second time in a row, I was forced to impose on the woman
with whom I carpooled to our children's soccer practices. I phoned
and explained that my husband had the car again, so I wouldn't be
able to take my turn.

A few minutes before she was due to pick up my son, my husband showed
up. Since it was too late for me to call and say I could drive after
all, I asked my husband to hide the car in the garage and to stay
inside. I also explained to my son that he shouldn't mention anything
about his father's whereabouts.

Unfortunately, my husband forgot and was in front of our house chatting
with a friend when my carpool partner arrived. When my son returned
from practice, I asked him if she had noticed.

"Yes," he replied, "she asked me which of the two men in front of the
house was my father. But don't worry. I told her I didn't know."

__________________________________________________________________

Dumb stuff you should know
If you hook a dog to the ceiling fan, the fan is not strong enough to
make him fly like Batman. However, it is strong enough to fling paint out of a
paint can in a 20 foot radius.

If you hear the toilet flush and the words UH-OH, it is already too
late.

When you mix clorox and brake fluid, it makes smoke. Lots of smoke. And
not the greatest smell.

A king size water bed holds enough water to fill your entire house with 4
inches of water.

No matter how many boxes of Jello you put in a swimming pool, you still
can't walk on water.

VCR's do not eject peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.

You should always look in the oven before you turn it on.

The spin cycle on the electric dryer makes cats extremely dizzy.

A dizzy cat can throw up 4 times its body weight.

When it's time to pick up the toys, there's a lot more out then you
played with.

Drying the cat in the microwave after it's bath makes a mess of the cat
and a worse mess of the microwave.


---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his 5th grade
class a lesson about the evils of liquor, so he produced an
experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of
whiskey, and two worms.

"Now, class. Observe closely the worms," said the professor
putting a worm first into the water. The worm in the water
writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be.

The second worm, he put into the whiskey. It writhed
painfully, and quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a
doornail.

"Now, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?" the
professor asked.

Johnny, who naturally sits in back, raised his hand and
wisely, responded, "Drink whiskey and you won't get worms."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
My family physician told me of an incident that actually happened to him
back in the early days of his practice.

He said a woman brought her baby to see him, and he determined right away
that the baby had an earache. He wrote a prescription for ear drops.
In the directions he wrote, "Put two drops in right ear every four hours"
and he abbreviated "right" as an R with a circle around it.

Several days passed, and the woman returned with her baby, complaining
that the baby still had an earache, and his little behind was getting
really greasy with all those drops of oil.

The doctor looked at the bottle of ear drops and sure enough, the
pharmacist had typed the following instructions on the label:

"Put two drops in R ear every four hours."

__________________________________________________________________

Next

* Bars/Clubs*Personals*Articles*Erotic Stories*Adult Chat*Links*Sex and Advice*Funnies*Ongoing Events *

*Advertisements*Bulletin Board*Toy Store*Table of Contents*Home*New Additions*Events Calendar*